As part of Mental Health Awareness week we are sharing a blog written by one of our dear service users.
If you are struggling with your mental health at this time, you are not alone – please seek help:
Wiltshire Wellbeing Hub
T: 0300 003 4576
T: Free call any time day or night 116 123
Losing it on lockdown
I started my shielding a week and a bit before the orders came to stay inside, I have respiratory issues, live alone so I don’t get to see anyone as such and when I do its at social distance and they remain outside and it helps a little with my mental health.
My mental illness has made my life isolatory and this is done because people cause me difficulties and to live the best life I can, this must be the way I live my life. Even my family understand that I love them but we can’t be close because they can see the improvements in my quality of life .
I have been in this sort of situation before where I completely shut down but that was when I was really unwell. I started this journey in a good place I was focused I studied but now it week 12 for me.
But 12 weeks in and I am losing it, I’m dissociating, I’m not sure what mood I am currently feeling, suicidal thoughts phase in and out, day drinking becomes an option, I don’t know how to explain what is going on in my head but I know its not good.
But where is my help? Well that went years ago under cuts because there is no treatment left to help and the meds don’t work. I lost my support worker who used to help get me out gave me someone to talk to and help me get a better life.
I could call the doctors but why I am not important I am not in crisis just yet, I am not sure what I need I am a little anxious, a bit angry, very alone, I feel trapped I want to scream there is no pill that will fix me. Oh I should say my mental illness is Borderline Personality Disorder and there is a very negative view of this condition and those that live with it. They think we are attention seekers, difficult to deal with etc.
So I know that when I ring the doctors I need them to hear me and know I need help so I don’t contact them till is the last option. And I am scared if I said how I feel out loud I might just crumble and not bother getting up. But I feel safe here so why ask for help when you know there is not the help you need.
But the thing that I am more scared of is all those others without the skills set to cope, suffering now who don’t know what to do and once this situation is over will there be the support needed I doubt it.
But this is life on lockdown.